As a guy with long hair, I sometimes put it in a bun. When I do, I'm inevitably told that I have a "man bun." Last year, when I worked as a nanny, people informed me that I was, in fact, a "manny."
I hadn't realized that, as a man, when I did things that are traditionally associated with femininity, I should alter the term for what I'm doing (even though it's the exact same thing) in order to not seem lady-like. For those who are as ignorant as I once was about how to defend your manhood by altering your everyday terminology, here's how it's done.
This verbal alteration (or manification, if you will) comes most often in the form of the "man-" prefix, which can be added to words like "purse," "braid," or "bun" to make sure that everyone around you doesn't question your manhood. Variations on the "man-" prefix include the "guy-" prefix (guy liner), the "bro-" prefix (bromance, brony), or even the simple "male-" prefix (male nurse). We can even get the point across just by changing the first letter of a word to an "m," as in "manny," "muggs," (Uggs worn by a dude) or "murse" (meaning either "a purse owned by a man" or "a nurse who is a man"). It may seem hard to choose, but these are all equally effective ways to reassure fellow alpha-males and potential mates that, yes, you do have a y-chromosome.
But since coming up with these new, manly words can be exhausting, it's best not to stray from the manified words we already have. So please, men with long hair, wear it in a bun constantly so that we can all easily identify you as "that dude with the man bun." Women with long hair may have the luxury of switching between buns, braids, pony tails, and just wearing it down, but it's best for bros to stay as unimaginative as possible when sculpting their scalp grass. I don't want to have to refer to you by your hog tails, stallion tail, or dronehive, because no one will know what the hell I'm talking about.
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| (hog tails) |
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| (a stallion tail) |
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| (a dronehive) |
Now, strictly speaking, we know that a man doesn't carry his purse with his penis, just like a nurse doesn't take his patient's temperature using his prostate. Likewise, my testicles never really played a prominent role in my nannying. Seeing as men perform these jobs and use these products in essentially the same ways as women do, differentiating the terms based on gender may seem a bit silly to some.
Critics would even say that doing all of these verbal gymnastics is a sign of fragile masculinity. They think that us men have internalized so much misogyny that we find the prospect of doing, using, or wearing something traditionally done, used, or worn by women to be threatening. Apparently, this aversion to femininity demonstrates that—even though many men identify as feminists—we are still uncomfortable with the very idea of gender equality.
Even though the New York Times touted the man bun as a sign of someone who is "comfortable with his masculinity," critics claim that the term itself suggests otherwise. They say terms like "man bun" and "male nurse" are manifestations of some deep-seated insecurity stemming from society's pressure to constantly defend and declare our manhood. Apparently, this same insecurity is said to contribute to gun violence and rape culture.
But in response to all that, I just have one thing to say: dude, what?
What we should really be upset about is the fact that we've settled for the boring "man-" prefix, when there's so many more expressive options! Why couldn't we have called it a "don't-worry-ladies-I-do-have-testicles bun," or an "I-may-look-after-kids-for-a-living-but-I-still-pay-the-bill-on-a-date nanny." We should be able manify our words in much more creative ways! Try dumping the boring "man braid" and going for the more explicit, "still-not-as-long-as-my-penis braid."
Interested in being more explicit about the fact that you're insecure about your masculinity? Here's some more alternative manified terms to spice up your terminology when being defensive and subtly misogynistic:
- order an "I-could-chew-nails-if-I-wanted-to salad"
- protect your lips with some "dude-this-is-totally-not-lipstick chapstick"
- adopt a "not-a-pussy cat"
- drive an "I-don't-actually-care-about-the-environment-it's-just-economical Prius"
- rejuvenate your skin with some "moist(but totally not weak)urizer"
- relax with a "maybe-it-just-wanted-to-shift-positions massage"
- get a deeper clean with a "do-you-even-lift? loofah"
- jump into spring fashion by sporting some "I-DRIVE-A-TRUCK pink"
- instead of a "tank-top," wear a "wife beater" (oops! for some horrible reason, we already say that)
Interesting read, well done.
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